Dude 1: “I’m feeling better now. I was really struggling with anxiety for awhile there, though.”
Dude 2: “I’m just really glad you told me about it, man. Are you getting help now?”
Dude 1: “Yeah, I’m still struggling with feeling low and things like that, but it’s been getting better. The counselor actually really helped.”
Dude 2: “We all struggle with something like that at some point man. Just let me know if you want help and we’ll talk, hay.”
Now I’m not saying that this was T.S. Elliot grade stuff here, but the reason the conversation caught my attention was this simple fact: THEY’RE MEN AND THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS. ARE YOU GETTING THIS? THERE WASN’T EVEN ANY CHICKS THERE! NONE! JUST TWO GUYS TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS!
I know in this day and age something like that shouldn’t really be impressive, but if we all lived in a world where shoulds were reality, you wouldn’t even know who Gina Rinehart is and Kevin Rudd would be a Muppets character. Beyond Blue recently released a statement saying that the majority of suicides are amongst young men.
Now, look, it doesn’t take Freud to determine the difference between young men and young women in these circumstances. A conversation like the one above left me with my jaw-dropped. Why? I myself have had many of those conversations before with my female friends, because it is socially acceptable for me to have those conversations – cause of my vagina – YES I SAID MY VAGINA. I’d like to just pause here for a second to address the fact that I’d very much like to make it clear as a staunch Feminist (#asafeminist and such) that the very fact it’s easier for women to talk about their feelings or to be emotionally vulnerable is also one of the major reasons men have made it easier to de-value women in the workplace. But lets put that argument to a side for a second and lets address the pure realities we are facing when it comes to depression.
If I wanted to talk to one of my female friends about depression over coffee, I can. I mean obviously there are always the awkward silences when you tell a friend for the first time that you’ve considered suicide, or are feeling suicidal, but that’s just a normal human reaction to something very, very serious. Simply as a woman, though, I’ve never really had much trouble broaching topics like that. After all, I come from a gender that sees it as perfectly acceptable to have a cry in the nightclub bathroom while three complete strangers comfort you – in fact it’s almost mandatory.
So, when I see two men chatting like I potentially would to a female friend, my heart sings a little bit. I grew up in a family where it’s normal for men to talk about their feelings – I’ve seen my Dad cry SO many times (in fact I actually saw him crying during the movie Riding In Cars with Boys once). But when I left the comfort of my home I realized that most guys are generally brought up in an environment where this is shamed in some way. What? You mean you haven’t cried over ‘Drew Barrymore’s stirring performance?’ Of course this shame is deeply rooted in the patriarchal notion that having emotions = having a vagina. GET IT CAUSE VAGINAS ARE BAD! I don’t know if you’ve heard, but patriarchy is pretty stupid.
We need a national conversation and we need to start to change cultural values. And you probably guessed it, that starts with you male Australians.
I can only say this as a woman, I can’t say this as someone who has had to actually be a man AND depressed. I can however talk as someone with experience with depression and I know for a fact that talking really, really does help make things slightly easier – and when you’re depressed slightly easier is a major improvement.
If those two guys in Maccas can do it, so you can you. You never know, your mates just might surprise you.
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